


Eight Reasons

by Haileybuns_Haven



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, VictUuri, Yuri on Ice - Freeform, showering, viktuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-30 06:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10156196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haileybuns_Haven/pseuds/Haileybuns_Haven
Summary: Yuuri is particularly anxious, and Viktor is set on finding the reasons behind it.**aka I'm not good at summaries but more anxious Yuuri and Viktor trying his best to show Yuuri the love and appreciation he deserves**





	

“Yuuri,” Viktor popped his head out from the bedroom door with a smile on his face. “Come shower with me.”

            Yuuri didn’t peek up from the book in his lap. “Why?”

            Viktor’s face fell a bit, “We haven’t bathed together since we were in Hasetsu--“

            Yuuri kept his eyes glued to the pages in front of him, “Showering together and sitting in my family’s onsen after practice are two different things. I’m fine where I am.” Yuuri winced a bit when he heard his tone. He hadn’t meant for his voice to be so curt—but the stress of the upcoming season along with some underlying layer of…something he couldn’t place was eating at him from the inside out.

            He sighed, closing his book and rubbing his eyes under his glasses, bowing his head. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say that, I just—“

            He felt Viktor’s hands squeezing his shoulders, and thumbs kneading circles into his skin simultaneously. “I know you didn’t. But I wasn’t asking you to join me for no reason. I think you need it.”

            When Yuuri didn’t move, Viktor reached around and tucked his hand under Yuuri’s chin, turning his head so they could face each other. “Let me take care of you.”

            It took a moment for Yuuri to both process the words and realize what he was getting into.

            “…Okay.”

 

            Viktor gently guided Yuuri into the bathroom, turning on the water before walking back to his fiancé. Yuuri seemed more distant than usual. He seemed like he was thinking.

            “ _When are you not thinking?”_ Viktor chuckled a bit.

            He placed his hands on Yuuri’s hips, who flinched a bit before looking up at him. Viktor gently took the hem of Yuuri’s shirt between his fingertips, “Come on, let’s get you undressed.”

            Yuuri nodded, stepping out of his sweatpants while Viktor lifted his shirt from his body in one swift movement before sliding out of his own clothes.

            By now, the water was steaming, and Viktor stepped in first, knowing Yuuri probably wanted him to lead. He held his arms out, and the other gratefully walked into the embrace, turning so that they were back to chest.

            Viktor ran his hands over Yuuri’s hair a few times, letting the water run over them both. He could start to feel Yuuri’s muscles losing some of their tension under his fingertips, and smiled when he heard Yuuri hum in contentment.

            He slid his hands under Yuuri’s chin again, tilting his head back. “Close your eyes, so the shampoo doesn’t get in.”

            Yuuri complied immediately, gently shutting his eyes, “Mhm…”

            Viktor took the shampoo bottle and squeezed out a generous amount, rubbing it between his hands a bit and working it into a lather before running his fingers through Yuuri’s hair, scrubbing gently with his nails in circular motions for a moment before spreading out his fingers, tugging lightly the way he knew Yuuri loved. He had to push down the urge to make shapes with Yuuri’s hair. “Feel good?”

            He heard Yuuri sigh, “Very…thank you, Viktor.”

            Nothing made Viktor happier than doing something that made others happy—most of all, Yuuri.

            “Tilt back again—rinse.”

            Once the bubbles were out of Yuuri’s hair, he began to reach for the conditioner when Yuuri suddenly turned around to face him.

            “Your turn.”

            Viktor blinked for a moment, surprised.

            “Yuuri, you don’t have to—“

            “It wasn’t a question. Turn around.” Viktor couldn’t help but feel heat rise in his chest—knowing it was from both the steaming water and the slight adrenaline rush. Viktor loved every side of Yuuri unconditionally—whether he was relaxed, snappy, anxious and in tears or laughing like he had no cares in the world, Viktor loved all of him. But if he had to pick a favorite side, it was, without a doubt, Yuuri’s confident side. A side that showed itself so rarely, but managed to steal Viktor’s breath and transform Yuuri into someone new each time.

            Viktor turned around, smiling to himself and loving the feeling of the water running down his neck and chest. But compared to the feeling of Yuuri’s hands running through his hair… it was no contest.

            Yuuri reached up, and immediately spread his fingers, wanting to cover as much ground as he could, wanting to feel as much as he could. He loved Viktor’s hair—he loved everything about this man, but his hair was something Yuuri could never get tired of. It was so different, so unique, so _Viktor_. It was thin, but so soft and carefully managed. And the color…

            Yuuri shook his head, wanting to focus all of his attention on Viktor, on making him feel as good as Viktor had made him feel.

            He let out a small laugh for a moment, looking at the situation. Ordinarily, Yuuri didn’t enjoy looking up to people—in a literal sense. He hated feeling small in any way. But with Viktor, he found he didn’t care. Now that he really thought about it, he loved it. Loved that their height difference allowed them to fit together like pieces of a puzzle that were cut specifically for each other. Made to fit perfectly in place.

            Yuuri reached up a bit further, to Viktor’s hairline, and gently ran his hands back, effectively slicking Viktor’s hair back the same way Yuuri would for competitions. Viktor’s head tilted back and Yuuri heard the man release a deep sigh from pleasure.

            He wrapped his arms around Viktor, resting his hands on his chest while Viktor gently tipped his head back to rest it on Yuuri’s shoulder and placing his hands on top of his fiance's.. Yuuri felt himself blush. There was nothing erotic about this moment. No hints of sexual tension—no tension at all. It was sheer intimacy, raw and real and soothing. There were no barriers, no words, no jokes. Just Yuuri and the man he loved holding each other, completely bare and vulnerable.

            With all of these thoughts running through his head, Yuuri couldn’t help but hold onto Viktor tighter, closing his eyes before ghosting his lips over Viktor’s neck, just for a moment.

            “It looks like you’re finally relaxed.”

            “Mm…thanks to you.” Yuuri stood on his tip toes a bit to gain more access to Viktor’s neck. He felt vibrations under his lips as Viktor laughed softly.

            “You’re going to get suds on your lips.”

            Yuuri opened his eyes, remembering that he hadn’t rinsed Viktor’s hair.

            Viktor turned around, resting his forehead against Yuuri’s. “Let’s finish this up, hm?”

            Yuuri nodded, reaching up one last time to get the shampoo out of Viktor’s hair.

            Viktor pressed a quick kiss to Yuuri’s forehead before turning to shut off the water. Yuuri stepped out first, standing in front of the door. Almost immediately he felt like he had taken a huge step backward.

            A few moments ago he had felt so relaxed, so loose, almost like he was dreaming. But suddenly he felt too heavy, too _tired_. _So_ damn tired.

            “You’re shaking.” He heard Viktor’s voice whisper in his ear as a towel was wrapped around his shoulders. “Every time I think I’ve gotten a bit closer it seems like we go two steps back. I thought we had gotten you relaxed.” Viktor nuzzled his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

            Guilt seeped into his every pore. But he couldn’t bring himself to speak, or even turn towards Viktor. “ _I’m tired.”_ Instead, he simply rested his head beside Viktor’s, closing his eyes.

            “Dry off, I’ll be back in a moment.”

            And suddenly he was alone again. Yuuri took the towel into his own hands and ran it over his body, but he couldn’t remember telling himself to do so. He didn’t feel like he was going through the motions himself. His eyes stayed glued to the door, but he didn’t feel like he was looking at anything. In all honesty, all he could think of was bed. The sheets. The pillows. Warmth. All he could think about was not having to think.

            Suddenly, the bathroom door was open again, only for a moment. “I’ll need you to work with me a bit, Yuuri.” He felt Viktor’s fingers on his ankles, just barely. “Lift up, just a bit.” He did. “Okay, other leg.” Again. He felt Viktor gently gliding his underwear up his legs, around his hips. Viktor paused his movements for a moment when the elastic gently snapped back onto Yuuri’s skin. Yuuri had gotten much more comfortable about Viktor’s constant touches, but they had never done anything like this. And yet, Yuuri wasn’t showing any signs of discomfort. He wasn’t showing anything, really. Viktor snapped himself out of his thoughts, grabbing Yuuri’s pajama bottoms and repeating the motions before standing and asking Yuuri to lift his arms to slip one of his own black t-shirts onto him. Yuuri’s gaze looked far away.

            “Yuuri.”

            Yuuri blinked once. Twice. And finally seemed to come back. “What? I missed—what did you say?” His eyes were wide and his cheeks were suddenly pink, making Viktor smile and cup his face.

            “Let’s go to bed.”

            Yuuri pulled Viktor’s hand away from his cheek, lowering them and intertwining their fingers lazily. “Okay.”

 

            Every night they slept the same way. Viktor would slide into bed from one side and Yuuri from the other. If they weren’t particularly sleepy, Viktor would usually scroll through something on his phone for a bit or watch TV, while Yuuri would have his headphones in or read before they both decided they were ready to sleep. Once the lights were turned off, they would slowly move to the center of the bed, finding any position where they could hold each other. Some nights Viktor would hold Yuuri, other nights it would be the other way around. Some nights they would sleep face to face, with their legs tangled together, hands resting on their waists or shoulders. Viktor would fall asleep with his hand still on Yuuri’s cheek or neck more often than Yuuri would to Viktor. And Yuuri was more inclined to fall asleep with his cheek against Viktor’s chest, listening to the other’s breathing.

            Tonight was a spoon night, with Yuuri’s back to Viktor’s chest. Yuuri curled himself up a bit, placing his arms over Viktor’s when they wrapped around his waist.

            Viktor counted.

            _“....57, 58, 59, 60….1, 2, 3,…”_

            He went on until he felt he would have a headache. Anyone should have fallen asleep by now if they were tired.

            But Viktor knew. “Yuuri, you’re being loud.” His voice was muffled against Yuuri’s hair.

            Yuuri flinched a bit in his arms. “I-I’m not even saying anything.”

            “You’re thinking too loudly.”

            No response.

            Viktor gently caressed Yuuri’s stomach with his thumbs. “Not that you’d ever need it, but you won’t get any beauty sleep if you keep yourself up like this.”

            Yuuri snorted—one of Viktor’s favorite things about Yuuri and one of Yuuri’s least favorite.

            “You’re obnoxious.” Yuuri gently kicked Viktor’s knee, but his tone was playful.

            As much as Viktor wanted to keep the game going, Yuuri wouldn’t stay this way if Viktor didn’t get to the real issue. “And you’re tense. But we knew that already. Now we just need to figure out why.”

            “I don’t know.”

            “You do, we just need to look for it.”

            No response.

            “How about we do this—you just list off whatever is making you uneasy, working your way from small things to big. Anything you want.”

            Pause.

            “…Okay.”

            “One?”

            “Did I forget to pack anything for practice tomorrow?”

            Viktor closed his eyes, pressing a kiss into Yuuri’s damp hair. The smell of his own shampoo in Yuuri’s hair was so mesmerizing to him—like bits of himself were seeping into Yuuri.

            “You didn’t. Two?”

            “I didn’t lock the front door.”

            “I did. Three?”

            “I’m not a good pillow for you.”

            “You’re the only pillow I need. Four?”

            “I—I’m taking up too much space. I’m invading your space, your home.”

            Closer… “It wasn’t a home until you got here. This is _our_ space. Five?”

            Yuuri swallowed. “I…” Yuuri knew what he wanted to say. But something about the words—actually saying them out loud, in front of Viktor…it burned, it ached. He took a step back. “I’ll mess up tomorrow at practice. Everyone will look at me.”

            “We all mess up. They’ll only look at you because you’re so beautiful on the ice. And off. Six?”

            Yuuri smiled a bit at that, though he didn’t believe a word. But they were soothing, which he was eternally grateful for. Step forward. “I’ll disappoint you.”

            “You’ll surprise me. You always do.” Viktor pulled Yuuri in a bit closer, “I’ve had plenty of disappointments, Yuuri. I’ve had enough to know that you could never be one of them. Seven?”

            Yuuri was caught off-guard for a moment. He’d have to ask about that one day…but he knew this wasn’t the moment to do so.

            “I've already disappointed you.”

            Viktor shook his head. “The only way you’ve ever disappointed me is by not giving yourself the credit you deserve. And that would be disappointment as a coach. I’m not your coach right now, Yuuri. You’ve never disappointed me. Now—“

            “I love you.”

            Viktor froze. He froze entirely. Viktor knew he felt that way, he knew that Yuuri felt the same. He knew it, he knew it. They had told each other they loved each other in many ways—but never in those three words. Yuuri had told him he loved him in every single “Be safe,” and “Put on a scarf, it’s cold today,” every little touch and surprise kiss on the couch. And Viktor had returned every single one with each touch, kiss, every single “Sleep in, I’ll get breakfast,” and “I packed your spare pair, in case you left your glasses.”

            He wanted to explode, to twist Yuuri around in his arms, take his face in his hands, press his lips to every single surface of bare skin he could find, smile against his lips, he wanted _Yuuri_. He wanted—“

            “Eight.” Yuuri’s voice was barely a whisper.

 

            Wait.

 

            “W-what?” Viktor was…confused, to say the least. But he stayed composed. Although a dozen questions were running through his mind.

            “I love you. But…”

            Viktor held Yuuri tighter, not wanting him to run away and not taking the chance at Yuuri thinking that he was upset with him.

            “But…?”

            “When will you get tired of me? Why do you love me? I know you do. I know. But I don’t know why. I mean—a bit…part of me knows why, logically. But _why?_ When will you realize that I was an activity? A vacation? That I was ‘something fun to pass the time’ and that I only have so much in me? I can’t keep up with you. I don’t know how much more I can surprise you—and when my surprises run out, what then? How long can I keep you until I can’t hide the fact that I’m not what you think I am? When will you realize that you deserve better, when will you realize that I can’t even begin to compare to you, when will you listen to the headlines and comments and see the distance in greatness between us? How much longer do I have with you? When will you—when will you stop loving me?” Yuuri’s voice was hitching, and his body shook. His arms suddenly shook free from Viktor’s hold and rushed to his face, and Viktor knew that Yuuri was trying to wipe away tears. He didn’t even seem like he was talking to anyone at this point, it was more like he was having a one-sided conversation with himself. “Why won’t you just do it already? Why can’t you just stop before I know I can’t pull myself away?” He was shaking his head now. Everything about Yuuri was loud. His voice, his body movements. He was breathing heavily, his shoulders were shaking almost violently. God, he looked like he was in so much pain that Viktor was terrified. He didn’t know if he could handle it himself.

            “I hate this, I hate this I hate having to always be on guard so that I’m ready to lose you. I hate waking up every day and waiting for you to push me out. I hate that the entire world knows this but you, I hate that you’re killing yourself to take pity on me and babysit me—to play house with the boy from a youtube video that wanted to skate like _the_ Viktor Nikiforov. I hate it I hate…” Yuuri took a deep, shuddering breath, “myself…” And with that, everything in Yuuri finally broke down.

            He sobbed. It was loud, and ugly, it was raw with nothing held back. His entire body curled in on itself like he was in agony. He was fighting to get air, to hold his voice in. His eyes ached from keeping them shut so tightly, his head throbbed. He held his hands in a fist, one over the other, over his chest. He just wanted to breathe. He needed to breathe.

 

 

 

            Inhale…exhale….repeat, repeat, repeat…

            Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, Yuuri relaxed his face. His eyelids, his brows…He worked downwards. He slowly loosened his fingers’ grips, his chest, stomach, legs.

            He opened his eyes. His cheeks felt dry and stiff from dried tears, and he felt exhausted. But he felt so light. So loose. Every bit of tension that had been under his skin all day was gone. He didn’t have the strength to hold any. His explosion had taken everything out of him, but he was thankful. Everything was quiet and still and…

            “ _Viktor.”_

            Yuuri realized that Viktor’s hands, arms, legs—there was no contact. There was nothing. He quickly flipped onto his back, and turned his head to the opposite side of the bed in a panic.

            He was there. He was there and he was awake.

            Viktor was lying inches away from Yuuri. His hands were covering his face completely. But he was still. There was no sound, nothing other than the upward and downward movement of his chest.

            Something about the image broke Yuuri’s heart.

            “Viktor—“

            “I’m sorry, Yuuri.”

            Yuuri couldn’t comprehend what he heard. Why was Viktor apologizing? Why was he apologizing when he had done nothing but support and love him?

            Viktor pushed his bangs away from his face, turning so that he could look Yuuri in the eyes. Even in the low lighting, Yuuri could see how red Viktor’s eyes were, making the blue of his irises stand out even more. Tears were falling from his eyes and no effort was made to wipe them away.

            “I’m—I didn’t know you were holding all of that in all this time. And I’ve been here just…I-I just want you to feel the way that I do when you see yourself.” Viktor reached out and put his hand over Yuuri’s, pulling it towards himself and kissing his knuckles. “And the idea that you’ve been keeping it to yourself, that you’ve been feeling like this since…Yuuri how long have you thought this? No, no don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter how long—what matters is that it stops. Please, please Yuuri,” Yuuri leaned in a bit closer, and Viktor dropped his hand to brush the back of his fingers against his cheek, “Why is it so hard for you to believe that you’re worth being loved by me? You know I love you. But why can’t you understand it? I love you. I love you, what more do you need to hear?”

            “But I’m just—“

            “Beautiful.”

            “No—“

            “Enthralling.”

            Yuuri closed his eyes, feeling tears building up. He couldn’t help it. Ever since he was a child, compliments had made him cry. It wasn’t that they bothered him. He wanted to accept them. But everything in his body told him that he should push them away, gently turn them down. That by accepting them, he was a liar. He was fake. He was rude. He was conceited and selfish.

            “No…no I’m…I’m—“

            “Mine to love.” Viktor gently pushed Yuuri’s head up, and Yuuri opened his eyes. Viktor’s nose was almost touching his own. His eyes were stern, piercing, commanding, but warm at the same time. “I love you. Isn’t that my decision to make? ‘All I want is for you to be who you are,’ right, Yuuri? “ Yuuri caught his breath, hearing his own words fall from Viktor’s lips. “You surprise me by loving me every day. So, logically, you’ll never stop surprising me. You worry about keeping up with me. But who was it that broke my record? You’ve _surpassed_ me, Yuuri.

            “And…leaving you…ha…” Viktor pulled Yuuri even closer, wrapping him in his arms tighter than before. Yuuri could feel him shaking. “You’re the one person I’ve wanted to hold onto. To stay by and never let go.” Yuuri could barely hear him, but he understood.

            Yuuri slowly wrapped his arms around Viktor, grasping onto the back of his shirt and breathing in his scent.

            “…Okay,” Was all he could say.

            “No more doubting how I feel about you. Okay?”

            “Okay.”

            “No more pushing away my compliments.”

            “But—“

            “Let’s practice. Who’s my beautiful fiancé?”

            Yuuri frowned. He couldn’t associate himself with the word ‘beautiful.’ They went together like oil and water in his mind. But he couldn’t deny the last word in Viktor’s question. Baby steps… “I…I am.”

            Viktor smiled and felt his chest fill with warmth. “I promise, you’ll love yourself. I don’t break my promises.”

            Yuuri snickered, “Tell that to Yuri.”

            Viktor gasped, “Forgetting a promise isn’t the same as breaking one.”

            “It certainly isn’t any better.”

            “If you’re feeling well enough to sass me, I’m assuming you’re ready to sleep now.”

            Yuuri chuckled, burying his face into Viktor’s shirt and tangling their legs together.

            There was a long silence, and Yuuri felt himself drifting off to sleep, exhaustion taking over once again. But just as he was about to fall asleep completely…

 

            “And Yuuri?”

            “Hm?”

            “If you ever say that you hate my fiancé again, I’ll bite you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ah yay more angst <3 **I'm sorry Yuuri, I promise one day I'll give you the fluff you deserve**
> 
> So yes first off I know that this is kind of all over the place and that I repeat Viktor/Yuuri's names at least 200 times **and it kills me I am so sorry** 
> 
> I started writing this when I was in a really relaxed, fluff mood and then when I picked it back up, I had gone through a really difficult week so I basically went "Well if I'm gonna be sad then so are you two" and wrote this *sweats* haha...  
> On top of that, this is my first time writing something where I was trying to write from both of their perspectives, so it gets a little messy and the repetition of "Viktor" and "Yuuri" brings me so much pain but practice makes perfect~
> 
> Again, thank you for reading! <3 
> 
>  
> 
> [Come scream about Yuuri with me! ^^](http://animation-compilation.tumblr.com/)


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